By Chad Barron | November 21, 2012
Many of us don’t realize it, but there are a group of individuals in this country between the ages of 18-27 that continually get stuck at the Kid’s table every Thanksgiving.
This situation is called Continual-Unstable Leg-Loop-I'm Not a Child-Occurrence or CULLIO for short (pronounced Coolio, but that is trademarked).
The solution is a simple two step process. It will require some effort on your part, but if you’re ostracized to the dankness of the Kid’s table every Thanksgiving you’ll have the motivation to pull this off.
- Two weeks prior to Thanksgiving, do “very grown up” acts for your family. Wear a tie. Take Grandma to the doctor. Talk a lot about your stocks. You have now set the stage for step two.
- I hate to be the one to say it, but until someone goes to the big Thanksgiving dinner table in the sky, you’re simply going to have to set booby traps for rotating members of your family. Perhaps Uncle Frank takes a bad spill one year. The next year, Aunt Judy has to spend Thanksgiving on her couch because she’s not feeling well due to the castor oil that somehow made it into her coffee. Weird cousin Larry can’t make it because “Hot Barb” who he met on the internet invited him over to her place for the Holiday (make sure “Hot Barb” lives at least a day’s drive away so you will be comfortably seated at the adult table before the news comes in that Hot Barb doesn’t exist).
There is now a 98.7% chance that you will be invited to fill the empty chair at the Adult table. Some obstacles you may run into:
- Family members older than you who are stuck at the Kid’s table too. This is why step 1 is so important.
- Drunken family members that simply refuse to have a “snot nose 25 year old brat” at the table with them. This can be overcome by offering them a bottle of your finest Boone’s Farm.
- Everyone left at the Kid’s table whines because you get to sit at the Adult table this year. Actually, this is part of the payoff from all of your hard work. Bask in it.
So, there it is. You’ve finally done it. After all those years you are at the Adult table! However, please do beware of the possible downside. If you are not well versed in the subjects of medications, surgery, lawn care, weird rashes, or politics, you may just run back to the wobbly legged Kid’s table to save your sanity.